I’m sure you’ve seen Dante’s “new look” for the upcoming “Devil May Cry” reboot, stylishly titled “DMC” (oh, I see what you did there). Ninja Theory, the new Western developer who is vomiting all over this venerable franchise as we speak, has responded to such accusations with some “Breakfast Club” style temper tantrums about what is and is not cool.

“…what was cool 12 years ago…isn’t cool anymore. If Dante, dressed as he was, walked into any bar outside of Tokyo, he’d get laughed out,” says Tameem Antoniades, the creative director at Ninja Theory, who even now are hard at work destroying things you love and fondly remember.

Let me ridicule the above statement in discrete waves:

1. Nice name, Tameem.

2. Twelve years? Try again. “Devil May Cry” was released in 2001, which was under a decade ago. That’s not exactly 1985. Now I know that fashion trends change quickly, but you’re making a product for people who never leave their mother’s basement. I’m pretty sure Dante can wear white after Labour Day and your fanbase isn’t going to cry foul.

3. Yes, Tameem, I remember how “in” it was to wear gigantic, flame-red overcoats out on the town in 2001. It was the hip new thing, GQ did a special issue on it. Of course, the outfit wasn’t complete without your gigantic demon blade. Ah, but the merciless march of fashion waits for no man. That trend was over so quickly one might even be tempted to believe that it HAS ALWAYS BEEN RIDICULOUS TO WEAR A GIGANTIC RED OVERCOAT IN REAL LIFE. Apparently our friend Tameem was hitting all the hot spots of 2001 in a blood-shaded chesterfield. The rest of us were, you know, doing things that make sense.

4. You can get laughed out of a lot of nightclubs for wearing a lot of things, but Tokyo nightclubs? Have you seen the television they watch over there? Those kids are crazy. You can show up dressed like a Koala bear and you’re probably going to get laid.

5. Even if I accept your poorly worded, incoherent babble about fashion trends and try to reduce it to a simple idea you probably don’t deserve credit for, you’re still in the woods. Let’s say I grant you one valid point: “Dante needs an image update.” Okay. I’ll take that. Are we really saying that THIS is it? Really? Because he looks like Hilary Swank crossed with a meth addict. It’s like what would happen if Janet Reno had sex with Lance Bass. And then someone whacked the newborn baby with a 2×4.


I think at this point, we arrive at the root of why your statements are so ridiculous: it’s pot calling kettle black. While your left hand ridicules a masterful character design that still works and should be respected, your right hand dreams up the stupidest crap I’ve ever seen and then pats you on the back for being so “cool.” Dante’s original design was so sharp, such a brilliant melding of classical lines and pop imagery, that it launched an entire franchise, whose shoulders you are now standing upon. And her you are, Tameem, declaring that entire foundation unworthy of your complete radness, and replacing it with something that wouldn’t pass a CalTech arts class.

And your name is dumb.

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