Talking To Games: Arkham City

Ah, good evening, Dear Reader. Even though “Talking To Games” is a new feature, I enjoyed the hell out of writing it, and I think you all got a kick from reading it, so I’m doing it again.

Hit the jump to see what happens when I sit down for a fireside chat with “Batman: Arkham City.” Hit it. Hit it now. You’re not hitting it if you’re reading this. Stop reading this and hit the jump. Stop it. Seriously, it’s not cool, hit the jump. Just go ahead and click the button. It’s right there, I know you see it. I’m getting sick of your attitude, Dear Reader. Hit the damned jump. Hit it. Jump jump jump. Why aren’t you hitting the jump? It’s just sitting there, begging you to hit it. It’s lonely. It’s a lonely jump. It dreams of someday getting hit like all of the other jumps. But it can’t achieve that dream if you don’t hit it. Go on. Click click. You can do it. JUMP!

Fine! Forget it, don’t hit the jump! Leave it there all by itself with no one to hit it!

Seriously, though, hit the jump.

(M=Me. G=Game)

G: Well hello there, hot stuff.

M: Hey, “Batman: Arkham City.”

G: I love that color on you.

M: Uh, thanks.

G: You’re turning me on over there, with that blue shirt.

M: (sigh) I’m not…I’m not really in the mood right now.

G: We should go back to your place…in October, that is.

M: Look, I had a long week, can we just talk, or cuddle or something?

G: (sighs) Okay, what did I do now?

M: Nothing. I have a headache. I’m going through a rough patch. I’ve got a lot on my mind.

G: Is it my new, open-world layout? Cause I told you, baby, I’m still gonna deliver a focused, linear narrative!

M: It’s not that.

G: You’re still mad I didn’t try for multiplayer, aren’t you? Admit it! I see how you look at those…co-op games.

M: I don’t care about that! I mean…yeah, it wouldn’t kill you to work on some co-op once in awhile–

G: –Ah HA!

M: But it’s not that!

G: Then what?

M: If you don’t know what you did wrong, I can’t tell you.

G: Well I’m not a mind reader! 

M: You really don’t know why I’m angry with you?

G: No, I really don’t!

M: You’re unbelievable.

G: This is about the Batmobile, isn’t it?

(A long silence)

M: Well I just don’t see why I can’t drive it!

G: Oh, for the love of God…

M: I mean it’s right there, it’s beautifully designed,  you give me a huge map to move around in, why can’t I get behind the wheel?!

G: Are we having this fight again?

M: Can’t you just let me drive it once?!

G: No, Honey, Dearest, Light of my Life. I can’t.

M: Why not?

G: Because I’m not a vehicle game! I don’t do that!

M: Well, maybe if you were a little more open-minded…

G: Oh excuse me, because I’m not a whore like that last Batman game you owned!

M: “Batman Begins” was a perfectly good game! At least back then, Batman didn’t look like he’d overdosed on steroids!

G: It’s just part of my unique, comic-book style!

M: Which comic, “The Incredible Hulk”? And by the way, Hugo Strange? Really? Who in the hell cares about Hugo Strange?!

G: It’s a bold and surprising choice!

M: It’s definitely surprising! Who’s up next, Crazy Quilt?!

G: That’s it! If you love your vehicles so much, then go play “Grand Theft Auto!” I’m leaving!

M: Fine!

G: Fine!

(door slams)

M: She’ll be back. I have her pre-ordered.


  • Eric Robbins

    I never thought I would see the day where I was more excited for a Batman product than you.

  • Andrew Allen

    That’s like saying you love someone’s wife more than her husband because you never argue with her.

  • Eric Robbins

    “G: Oh excuse me, because I’m not a whore like that last Batman game you owned!

    M: “Batman Begins” was a perfectly good game! At least back then, Batman didn’t look like he’d overdosed on steroids!”

    No love for Arkham Asylum was the message I got here. Also, I completely love the design of the characters and world; hell Arkham Asylum was probably my second favorite game of 2009, after Uncharted 2.

  • Andrew Allen

    I personally guarantee you that I have sunk more time and love into “Arkham Asylum” than most people in the world. Doesn’t mean I can’t give it a hard time now and then.

  • Eric Robbins

    The mental image of you physically backhanding the Arkham Asylum disc is hilarious. My mind has created this elaborate abusive relationship between you and a small piece of plastic.

  • Andrew Allen

    If anything, I think the small piece of plastic beats ME up.