Dr. Noh’s Awkward Metroid Story

It was 1994. I was about 10 years old when I went into the kitchen to go grab some orange juice. I was about to play Super Metroid, which I had borrowed from a friend of mine. I had left the start screen on, and when I returned, the game had gone to demo mode. My jaw dropped when I saw all of the insane stuff Samus could do. For me, the “Crystal Flash” was the most alluring. I spent days rewatching the demo mode to try and figure out how to do it, but eventually gave up. I considered calling the Nintendo Power Hotline, but my parents refused, saying it was a waste of money. I eventually returned the game to my friend and asked him “how the hell do you do that bomb exploding thing where you get to see the outline of Samus naked?” He replied, “oh, that’s nothing, if you beat the game under two hours, you get to see her in a bikini!”

and so began my sexual awakening…

  • http://padinga.com/members/mecha/ Mecha

    This article made my day. Truth.

  • http://padinga.com/members/maul42/ Maul

    I would make fun if you, if, as a child, I hadn’t been obsessed with the idea that I would be the one to deflower X-Men’s Rogue. *Mmmm, untouchable*

    Man, Crystal Flash, what an overly complicated maneuver.

  • http://padinga.com/members/rurouniq/ RurouniQ

    I was expecting more after the jump. The fact that there was nothing more made this all the more creepy. And hilarious.