5 Games the Wii Needs Before the Next Gen
The end of an era. Nintendo will be showing off their new system at E3 this year (90.2% sure of that) and that means it’s officially only a year and a half until the 8th Generation (barring an apocalypse) begins in Christmas 2012.
The end of a system’s lifespan is always an interesting time. You get a lot of weird shovel-ware games as the in-house crews start looking towards the next system instead. At the same time, there always seem to be some crazy, bad-assed games that come out, push the system to its limits, and make people lament having sold their system off early. Kirby’s Adventure on the NES, Chrono Trigger for the SNES, God of War II on the PS2, etc.
In this, the twilight of the Wii, there are a few games I’d love to see, ones that have been joked about and parodied for ages. Finally, Nintendo, lets get some balls on this system and get some games out there that people are dying to see!
If I were a game developer, here’s the 5 parting gifts I’d send to gamers by way of their Wiis.
5. NINTENDO CEREAL: THE GAME
We’ve had Paper Mario and Kirby’s Epic Yarn, so why not cereal? Paper, Yarn, Cereal, it seems like a natural course of evolution to me. Heck, at least this actually reaches back into Nintendo’s history, and has a distinct link to a licensed product, particularly to Mario and Link.
Actually, while I started this suggestion as a gag, the more I think about it, the more awesome this idea becomes.
Imagine the story: Ganon opens up a portal in space-time while trying to summon a dragon, ultimately leading him to join forces with Bowser. However, it also opens up a portal to my breakfast table circa 1988. The three worlds collide via Crisis on Infinite Earths, and become one amalgamated cereal populated world. The heroes of both worlds, Mario and Link, both made entirely of stacks of animated cereal bits, team up to crunch the villains and save the world.
The potential is endless. Its like Mario meets Zelda meets Lego games meets deliciousness. Mario could don the water-pack from Mario Sunshine and shoot milk at enemies. Octorocks would shoot crunch-berries at you. Mario could jump on Ganon to smash him, and Link could stab Koopa Troopas, as the two heroes traded off between side-scrolling and RPG top-down adventure.
NINTENDO! WHY HAVEN”T YOU BOUGHT THIS IDEA FROM ME YET!?
Plus, we might get a rock remix of the awesome Nintendo Cereal song… or some dubstep or something. And maybe they’ll make the cereal again, and I can once more taste of its awesomeness! … well, actually the Zelda half kind of tasted like fruit-covered ass. Mario was where it was at.
4. NINTENDOGS: UP IN THIS BITCH
Lets get some good Nintendogs variants in here. And I use the word ‘good’ here cautiously, as I’m not a fan of the original games. Honestly, I’m not sure why Nintendo hasn’t made a normal Nintendogs for the Wii. The franchise still makes money for them, the first installment just came out on the 3DS, and plenty of shovelware versions have done well on the Wii. Why not one of their own? Why not let me play frisbee with my dog via a wiimote?
Well, whatever, the Wii is too big for small shit like normal Nintendogs. You need some bigger than life action, with
Pitbulls and Rottweilers and… yes, that’s it, Nintendogs: Pitfighter edition! Buy puppies, train them, beat them, make them fear you! Then, unleash them against other dogs for face-ripping action! The most brutal dog is the winner! And if it did get ported to the 3DS, its like you’re IN the action, as blood, fur, and severed testicles fly up into your face! Just don’t slip up when you’re retrieving your dog from the corpse of your enemy, you might get bit and lose some of your HP.
Plus, they can add in the long-awaited dog husbandry option, as your retired fighters step down, you can select from a cadre of bitches for them to mate with. Maybe with the stylus, you could even take control of the dog and his coitus directly! AND IN 3D!!!
What? You say that’s not big enough for you? Right, I got it, go big or go home. Well, you can’t get any bigger that JESUS! That’s right, its NintenGods, for the Wii and 3DS entertainment system. Choose your deity of choice, raise him up to be merciful or cruel, at your leisure. Gain new followers, send them on crusades in your name! You’ve got a tough choice to make, if you Martyr yourself at the wrong time, you risk being forgotten as your followers are wiped out by plague and conquering Mongol hordes! Uh oh, did your God just catch someone masturbating? Looks like its time to kill a kitten!
Also, playing as Greek Gods allows you to, once again, use the unique husbandry controls to come down from your mountain, and take your pick from a world full of bitches, in the form of whatever animal you like.
3. SUPER PRINCESS PEACH ADVENTURE
Okay, Nintendo, we need to get beyond the damsel in distress days. The world of the 80′s may have been one where the only female character in your franchise could get kidnapped and raped incessantly by a giant lizard man, crying and screaming for her gallant, mustachioed man to come to her rescue, but that world has changed. Hell, in the 80′s, I’m pretty sure women weren’t allowed to vote, speak, or wear clothes in the home… so obviously, I missed out on the halcyon days of adult manhood. Anyway, its time for Peach to learn to fend for herself. Hell, Zelda learned how to turn into Shiek, shoot a bow, and cast magic and shit. Are you telling me that Peach can’t learn to shoot a gun or something?
… Of course, everyone other than Mario in the Mushroom Kingdom does seem to be suffering from some sort of mental retardation…
But I digress. I think its time for Peach to be the next great action star. How about the next time she get captured by Bowser, she breaks her own damn self out of the castle, and has to bravely tromp back from Pipe World to Grass World all by herself?
Or, how about… and I know this is going to sound goddamn ridiculous but… how about she saves Mario for a change?
Okay, so here’s the idea, first off, give this to Team Ninja. I know, I know, they kinda screwed the pooch on Metroid, but they don’t have to write it, just program it. And honestly I think only Team Ninja could adequately capture the bounty that is the bosom of Princess Peach, she who’s face launched a thousand air-ships. Then, give her a new voice. That falsetto may give many a gamer a raging chub, but she needs a voice that can be both sweet and authoritative. Peach = voiced by Natalie Portman. Ok, she gets kidnapped by Bowser, but only after a fierce, Matrix-like battle. After being locked away by Bowser, she casts her pink frills aside, crawls through the air-ducts all Solid-Snake style, and steals that Battle Axe that’s always conveniently hanging over his draw-bridge. Then, she hacks her way out of the castle, toting Bowser Junior with her (I’m convinced that he’s her love child), steals Bowser’s kart, and blasts her way to the nearest Toad-Hut, where she loads up on guns and ammo.
Seriously, the game writes itself. Ball’s in your court, Nintendo.
2. WII PENIS… AKA WIINIS
You didn’t see this coming? … no pun intended. Yeesh.
But, really, people have been making Wii = Pee jokes and Wiimote phallus jokes since the system’s inception, so why not just give them what they want? Hell, they made an SNL skit about it. They’ve been making fun of Nintendo about this for five years now, but if Nintendo just went ahead and made the Wiinis game, they could turn the tables. Jokes on you now, world. Plus, you know that would probably be one of the highest selling games of all time, from the curiosity factor alone.
As if that weren’t enough, just think of the add-on factor. You can do a little jock-strap to hook the wii-mote to for simulated urination or enhanced dangle angling. Remove the nunchuck, and you’ve got the perfect placement for the ball-sack attachment. Its like a money-printing machine, right there.
What kind of game would it be? Well, I’m imagining something like Wii Sports, a series of fun mini-games. You’d have the Wiinis Aim and Spray, the Wiinis Rub-Out, the Wiinis Mushroom Stamper, and the Wiinis Intercourse Mode, only available for expert level play.
Fun for kids of all ages.
… and if you learned anything from us today, its that Padinga is not above dick jokes.
1. PLAYSTATION ONLINE SIMULATOR
Ripped from today’s headlines, Nintendo makes their timeliest game yet! With the PSO network still down, and Playstation owners foaming at the mouth to get back to it, Nintendo satisfies this demand with a simulator, playable through the Wii!
Guide your Sim character through the PS3 Menus, and thrill as you play Playstation online titles against your network friends! Play such titles as ‘Little Big Mario’, ‘Mario Kombat’, and ‘Call of Duty: Black Mario’. Earn virtual trophies in the game, and wish there were a way to display them on Nintendo’s network.
What’s this? Oh no! There’s a hacker stealing your credit card info! Quick! Shake the Wii-mote as fast as you can to have your character call the bank and cancel their card before they rack up erroneous charges!
It may not look as pretty as the real PSO, and its about a quarter of the speed, but at least you know its not going down anytime soon.
… unlike your mom…
Padinga is also not above ‘your mom’ jokes.
Alright folks, that’s all I’ve got for today. Got more ideas? Send ‘em our way, post ‘em in the forums, and generally jsut spread ‘em around. Enjoy your Tuesday!