Andrew’s E3 Bottom Five Games
It’s You Again, Dear Reader,
E3 is so close I can smell it. Everyone’s getting excited, and so am I. And so, I present to you my list of the titles I’m most excited to…sigh. My heart’s just not in it, Dear Reader. A list of games I’m most excited about at E3? Everyone is writing that piece! Surely I can do better. And I will do better, damn it! It’s time to do something no one else is doing!
Brace yourself for Andrew’s Bottom Five. The games that will be at E3, that I don’t give a hoot in hell about! Yeah!
5. Need For Speed: The Run (Electronic Arts). Wow. Seriously, EA, you need to give the keys to someone else, you are not fit to drive “Need for Speed.” At first I thought you were, like, geniuses or something, giving Criterion “Hot Pursuit.” Then you did a sequel for “Shift,” and I thought, “…Okay.” I mean, very few people would choose to bifurcate their own franchise and compete with themselves, but I decided to go with it. And now you’ve made another iteration. What is this one about? I don’t care. You guys have lost it.
4. The Darkness II (2K Games). Where exactly was the clamoring throng for this little blast from the past? I played “The Darkness” and found it to be moody but lacking in game design. The thing evaporated from public consciousness, and rightly so. Is anyone, like, pumped up for the return of that weird shooter with the snake heads on the side of the screen?
3. Ratchet and Clank: All 4 One (Sony). Okay, I’m just going to come right out with it: the very thought of this franchise puts me to sleep. Maybe it’s the greatest game ever made, I have no idea, because I can’t get past the utterly vanilla art style or the faux-goofy titles. It is second only to Crash Bandicoot in Sony’s long, sad search for a mascot to compete with Mario.
2. Spider-Man: Edge of Time (Activision). (buries face in hands) Okay, listen to me very closely, Activision, because I’m not going to repeat myself. Take all of that ill-gotten, “Call of Duty” money you have and go find Rocksteady Games. Just roll a wheelbarrow full of bills up to their front door, then walk away. No, don’t explain yourself, they will know what you mean. And the whole world will thank you. I can’t take any more of these left field, WTF Spider-Man games.
1. Rage (id Software). Yeah, yeah, I know I’m supposed to care about you, but why? You’re like, two years late to the post-apocalyptic desert party, while “Borderlands” and “Fallout 3″ have been here for hours, drinking punch and talking to girls. Plus, you guys have never been good with living up to hype. Anybody remember “Quake IV?” Or how about the latest “Wolfenstein?” I’m looking at your screenshots, I’m watching your videos, and I’m seeing bland, bland, bland. I’m sure the game won’t suck (…”Quake IV”…actually I’m not sure of that at all), but it’s a recession, guys. I’m not tossing money around for competence.
i don’t make the rules, ma’am, I just think them up and write them down