CptCluster’s List of Demands!! A Padinga Customized E3 Coverage Special Report

I wasn't too sad when I left last year, because I thought I was gonna be back...











It’s with tremendous personal sadness that I say I will not be attending E3 this year. My good lady and I decided to hightail it to her hometown of Albuquerque, New Mexico for the summer, which precluded me from participating in The Big Show. I went to E3 in 2006 and 2010 and both times I had a fucking blast. Waaah waah, I wish I was going this year!! Especially since I have things that I, CptCluster, DEMAND to see at E3 for myself (which you can find more about after the jump)!!

So I can understand what it’s like to be an outsider, wanting to look in. Jealous of those who do get to frolic like a kid in a candy shop through the LA Convention Center next weekend. There’s so much I want to see with my own two eyes- the kind of stuff that probably won’t get reported by The Big Sites, with their focus just on News, News, News…

Tell us what u want. for e3, we r ur slaves. srsly.

Luckily for me and the many out there just like me, our dear site Padinga.com is offering Customized Coverage of E3. We’re giving YOU the power to tell US what YOU want to be covered with E3. Pretend like we’re your proxy, your avatar, your eyes and ears. I won’t be there, but my fellow Padingans will and they’ll check it out on your behalf and post about it on the site- and fast. Can’t be there in person? Who cares! You’ll feel like you are!!



“How do I do this?” you may ask. Why, it’s so easy!

1. Register an account at:  http://padinga.com/register/

2. Go to our handy-dandy Customized Coverage page at: http://padinga.com/2011/05/18/padinga-com-announces-user-customized-coverage-of-e3/

And, in the Comments section, tell us what YOU want to see at E3. Then sit back and relax as our extremely-accessible-and-responsive Padinga staff bends over backwards to get it for you.

But enough about you.

Back to ME.


Since I too won’t be at E3, I myself am going to be taking advantage of Padinga’s amazing Customized E3 Coverage. Here then are my, CptCluster’s, List of Demands to Padinga.com- this is what I want my coworkers to check out on my behalf and post on the site, for my benefit:

This guy proudly modeled his charming t-shirt for me

1. Nerds, nerds, nerds!!

What I think makes E3 so great isn’t the announcements- you can get that info anywhere from any news site’s live blog. What makes E3 great is the festive atmosphere. It’s like Carnaval in Rio but for nerds. It’s an utter nerdsplosion, with a big budget. Nerds plus Hollywood production values. They had to shut it down (temporarily, thank Yahweh) after 2006 because it was getting so goddamned hedonistically splashy…because the booth babes were getting too openly harassed. It’s a fucking party. And I want to see it, in all its glory!!

Specifically, I want to see:

Indoor Kids unite!! So many Hawaiian shirts

a) Nerds being unabashed nerds, just nerding the fuck out.

By this I don’t mean people dressed like Boba Fett. I just want to see nerds in their own element, being unafraid of who they are, freaking out Rurouni Q-style about just about everything.







Hasidic gamer trying out an FPS with assault rifle peripheral


This is people-watching at its very best. And since I cannot participate myself, I want to see pictures and videos of people nerding it out so I can feel like I’m at E3, nerding the fuck out in high style right with them.







Okay, this wasn't taken at E3, but maybe...this year??

b) I want to see pictures of booth babes, and other babes.

I’m only human. I love Slave Leia. I LOVE the whole concept of it. And, more often than not (there are some glaring exceptions…), I love the execution. Show me Slave Leias!! I WANT TO SEE PICTURES AND VIDEOS OF SLAVE LEIAS!!! Please give me what I want. It may not be classy, but it’s what I want. Other booth babes in their many impossibly nerdworld-sexy iterations are more than welcome as well, of course. There’s nothing sexier than video game sexy, and E3 is the Mecca of that, and I want it captured and put on Padinga for my vicarious enjoyment. DO IT!!!

North Korean soldiers conquering ESPNZone, while I was inside

c) Crazy fucking displays and demonstrations.

Game developers and publishers sink buckets of money into attracting E3 attendees to their respective booths, and some truly pull out all the stops. The winner last year was definitely THQ for Homefront. They paid an entire army of out-of-work actors to pose as North Korean militia members and promenade in full costume and in formation through the Convention Center and on the city streets and in nearby restaurants. Padinga cohorts and I were sitting at ESPNZone calmly sipping our Diet Cokes and eating our fries when they stormed in and took over, like a scene out of The Triumph of the Will. What…the…fuck??

They certainly got my attention, and I ended up spending plenty of time at their booth. THQ went all out for Homefront, and it worked. I want to see pics and videos of cool stunts and displays just like this, which I know for a fact will be there this year. I want Padinga to be on the look-out for this year’s E3 “WTF??” moment and document it in all its glory so that I too can feel like I’m there, going “WTF??” as I, mouth wide with shock, try in vain to finish my ESPNZone fries. I wanna see it!!


OK, now to games and stuff I want Padinga to cover for me:

I'll be the first to admit a redneck GTA would be a ton of fun...

2. Grand Theft Auto V

I honestly don’t even know if this title exists, but I assume it does because its predecessor made a gazillion dollars and, as we all know, the world runs on money. GTAIV got me through a tough time at my old job (blowing people up with RPGs in the middle of a city street will do that for you), and in my humble opinion GTAIV offered the most enduring replay value of any video game ever made. Also, Rockstar Games fucking rules. I’m LOVING L.A. Noire right now. So what’s the deal, Rockstar?? GTAIV came out over three years ago. Will I have to wait til the next console generation to get my next awesome dose of GTA anarchy?? I want Padinga to look into this. I want them to ask the hard questions. I know Rockstar will still be all high off the success of Noire and Red Dead, but I DEMAND to know when the next GTA will come out. Because I’m sure I’ll have another shitty job real soon, and more than ever I will need this game.

Yoga-licious booth babe demo-ing "Your Shape Fitness" for Kinect

3. Microsoft Kinect

I may be the only person in the world who is full of hope and enthusiasm about Kinect- I’m certainly the only one on Padinga’s staff, and I’m saying this as a person who does not even own a 360 and so has no motivating reason to actually buy one. But I don’t care. I still believe that Kinect is truly revolutionary. The possibilities connected (kinected?) with getting full-body motion control in consumers’ hands in the form of a mainstream product are no short of extraordinary. The sheer coolness of Tom Cruise’s motion-controlled simulated desktop in Minority Report are several steps closer, with Kinect, to becoming a reality.


Padinga associate Howie K also trying out Kinect. Not as sexy.

Ok I admit the games so far suck and in practice the Kinectimals demonstration at the Microsoft show last year was dopey at best. But just think of the possibilities- that is, if Microsoft manages to finally really land this amazing spaceship. I want Padinga staff to keep an open mind and report back on interesting stuff that MIcrosoft is planning on doing with Kinect. Kinect 1.0 might have underwhelmed, but I have my hopes up way high for Kinect 2.0. And I hope I’ll find out about it at E3, with Padinga’s help.



I hope it isn't as bad as "Matrix: Revolutions"

4. The next Assassin’s Creed

This is a no-brainer for anyone who knows how much I love sandbox games. UbiSoft somehow miraculously manages to pump out a new first-rate AC title every single calendar year (take notice, Rockstar!!). How they do it I have no idea, and I don’t care. I seriously can’t wait to play the next installment of this incredibly fun and rewarding franchise. AC4 is a guaranteed pre-order for me, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll be getting myself into. How will they resolve Ezio’s story? How will they keep this game fresh? (As much as I loved Brotherhood, it did start to feel in places like a retread of AC2.) What will they do to improve multiplayer, which was a great idea but ended up underwhelming a bit in Brotherhood? I want to know! I want these questions answered!!

And finally….

Translation: "Haha, suckers!! I'm NEVER COMING OUT!!!"

5. The Last Guardian

What….the….fuuuck. Am I going to have to wait til I have grandkids to play this game? Are they saving it for the Xbox 1080?? I’m all about furthering art in the video game medium, but enough is enough. It took James Joyce 8 years to write Ulysses, not 20. When is this game actually going to come out? The screenshots for it have all looked incredible of course, but man cannot live on screenshots alone. I simply cannot wait to finally get my hands on this brilliant-looking game from the creators of Ico and Shadow of the Colossus, and the time has come for some answers, finally. And I want Padinga to get them for me- even if they have to speak Japanese to do it (here’s looking at you, Break…)


Once again, this is MY list of demands, not yours. I am hopelessly biased towards my own likes and interests, but the beauty of it is that with Padinga, you can be too!!

I won't reveal who this hopeless nerd is... But anyway, my point is: this year YOU are the controller- YOU get to tell us what you want to see at E3!


The power is yours. It’s not too late- please send us your own List of Demands!!


1. Register an account at:  http://padinga.com/register/

2. Go to our handy-dandy Customized Coverage page at: http://padinga.com/2011/05/18/padinga-com-announces-user-customized-coverage-of-e3/

And, in the Comments section, tell us what YOU want to see at E3.

Our vigilant and tirelessly-working staff will go out of their way to give you the E3 experience you want (and deserve!), from the comfort of your own home.


Can you think of another site besides Padinga that will do that for you??

I can’t. See you at E3 (on Padinga.com)!!

  • http://padinga.com/members/laughingfish/ Andrew Allen

    (writing) Nerds…Princess Leia pillow fight…Grand Theft Auto…Cluster’s a dork…got it.