Talking To Games: Modern Warfare 3

Dear Reader,

It’s time for another episode in my storied “Talking To Games” series. If you don’t know the drill, it’s pretty much all there in the title: I talk to games. Directly at them, you might say, to see what they have to say for themselves. The results are often surprising. On this edition, I’ll be having a lively dialogue with “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.”

Hit the jump to get it going, Dear Reader. Let’s do this thing.

(M: Me, G: Game)

(I knock on “MW3′s” door, holding flowers in my hand.)

M: Hey there, “Modern Warfare 3.”

G: Get lost.

M: What? What did I do?

G: Nothing. You’re a wonderful person. Go away.

M: Look, I don’t want to fight, okay? I’m sorry about what I said earlier.

G: You’re sorry? You said I was the worst game franchise in history!

M: I didn’t mean that, I was angry. “World at War” was…well, it was “World at War.”

G: You called me the death of civilized society!

M: I don’t remember saying those words exactly, I think I was just trying to point out that–

G: –Get out of here. I don’t want to see you anymore.

M: Listen, I admit it: I talked trash about you. Because, honestly, you’re like the least cool thing in the world. Roller blades are cooler than you.

G: You sure do know how to make a lady feel special.

M: But! That was before I saw your E3 trailer. You know the one I mean: with the zodiac boat chase, and the submarine that goes right over your head.

G: You liked that, did you?

M: I’m totally into you now. We both did things we regret: I made fun of you, you cast Sam Worthington in the lead for “Black Ops.” Can’t we call it even and start over?

G: (sighs) Well…I’ll be out in early November. Maybe we can talk then.

M: …Uh, are you sure we can’t just get together now?

G: I’m not out until November. Just play “Black Ops.”

M: Is that a joke? Play “Black Ops?” That’s like the Carlos Mencia of first person shooters. I’d really like to see you now.

G: Why now?

M: What? Huh? No reason in particular. I just…miss you is all. Plus, I’m going to be really busy in the fall, and I–

G: –I knew it.

M: What?

G: You just want to use me until “Battlefield 3″ comes out!

M: That’s ridiculous!

G: Is it? Is it really?!

M: Well, I admit there’s a conflict there, but I can’t go buying two military shooters in the same space of time. I’m living on a budget here!

G: Fine. Then buy me, and not “Battlefield.”

M: (ahem) Let’s not be unreasonable here.

G: Unreasonable?

M: You want me to not purchase the sexiest looking game in the known universe.

G: I’m sexy!

M: Hey, don’t get me wrong, you look amazing…for a game running on a four-year-old engine.

G: (slams door in my face) Go to hell!

M: (shouting through door) Fine! I’ll go play “Bad Company 2!” Or how about “Medal of Honor!” Yeah, you hear that? I’m gonna go hook up with “Medal of Honor!” And I’m going to hate every minute of it. But I’ll do it, just because I know it hurts you!


a chasing after wind

  • Maul

    No, don’t fight. How do you even HAVE a girlfriend?

  • Andrew Allen


    For the uninitiated, our own Dr. Noh regularly asks Eric Robbins that question. Eric, being a good sport, never replies.

  • Eric Robbins