Five Reasons Not To Buy Wii U

Dear Reader,

It is official: I’m not buying a Wii U. Before E3 I was sold, after the announcement I was hesitant, and now I’m full-on against it. Nintendo has missed the mark here, folks. This is not a case of mad, unpredictable genius, this is them giving us an explicit goal and failing outright to achieve it. “We want the hardcore gamers back,” they say. You won’t get them, and you won’t get me.

Nope

After the jump, check out five reasons I’m not buying this stupid piece of junk.

1. It’s Probably Going to be $600. Reports of a $600 price tag are already emerging from Australian pre-orders, and given the Big N’s blushingly demure attitude towards selling you more than one controller, there’s no reason to call that unlikely. Even if it doesn’t cost that much, anything over $400 is puh-leeze.

2. It Won’t Support Blu Ray or DVD. Maybe Blu Ray support was too much to hope for. But not even DVDs? What, did we lose a war or something? It takes two seconds, just put it in there! If I see a slot where discs fit in, I expect and demand my “Seinfeld” collection to work in it. It’s the 21st century, I thought we were past even discussing this. You’re killing me.

3. One Controller. No, no, no. Never in the history of ever has anyone been stupid enough to try this. The idea of a game company asking you to BYOC from their last generation of consoles to keep costs down is hilarious. This is a console designed to create enmity between you and your loved ones, as one of you lords over the living room with their power tablet, while the rest waggle white plastic dildos at the screen. Even at E3, the struggle between the anointed tablet user and the Wii-mote plebeians created unease. How is it fun for only one person to have all the cool stuff?

The worst part is when Nintendo pretends that they’re doing you a solid by not requiring you to drop a ton of coin on expensive controllers. Yes, Nintendo, thank you for gallantly saving me from a financial cuckolding at the hands of…you. Good thing I have Nintendo to save me from getting ripped off by…Nintendo. You realize, of course, that you’re arguing with yourself here. Is this a “United States of Tara” episode or something?

We didn't get the invitation

4. It Has Super Smash Bros No Wait It Doesn’t. This may be my favorite one. They announce a new SSB at E3 2011, everyone cheers and is happy, and then it turns out they have “no plans whatsoever” (that is a direct quote from Masahiro Sakurai) for a new SSB title. I didn’t even know you could do that. Get ready for E3 2012, where Microsoft will announce “Halo 5,” “Halo 6,” and “Halo Vs. Gears of War Vs. Alan Wake,” all exclusive releases for their new portable gaming system/3-D camera/sports car. I mean, damn, this gaming industry thing is easy as long as you can announce and promote things that don’t actually exist.

5. Wii U Online. Shigeru Miyamoto, a man who at least once in his life has formed a cogent thought, recently said in an interview that although he wants to win the hardcore gamers back with the Wii U, offering the best online gaming experience is “not our goal.” Later on, he announced his plans to also win over James Bond fans with a new film where 007 converts to pacifism and abstinence. That makes absolutely as much sense.

He does want us to know that some games on the Wii U may employ “an internet connection.” And in case that doesn’t blow your skirt up, it will also have a web browser. Thank God, too, because after ten minutes of trying to play “Battlefield 3″ without voice chat, party support or a persistent friend’s list, I will need to Google the fastest ways to commit Hara-kiri right away.

–AA

it’s girls like you that make me think I’m better off home on a saturday night