Five Reasons Not To Buy Wii U


Dear Reader,

It is official: I’m not buying a Wii U. Before E3 I was sold, after the announcement I was hesitant, and now I’m full-on against it. Nintendo has missed the mark here, folks. This is not a case of mad, unpredictable genius, this is them giving us an explicit goal and failing outright to achieve it. “We want the hardcore gamers back,” they say. You won’t get them, and you won’t get me.


After the jump, check out five reasons I’m not buying this stupid piece of junk.

1. It’s Probably Going to be $600. Reports of a $600 price tag are already emerging from Australian pre-orders, and given the Big N’s blushingly demure attitude towards selling you more than one controller, there’s no reason to call that unlikely. Even if it doesn’t cost that much, anything over $400 is puh-leeze.

2. It Won’t Support Blu Ray or DVD. Maybe Blu Ray support was too much to hope for. But not even DVDs? What, did we lose a war or something? It takes two seconds, just put it in there! If I see a slot where discs fit in, I expect and demand my “Seinfeld” collection to work in it. It’s the 21st century, I thought we were past even discussing this. You’re killing me.

3. One Controller. No, no, no. Never in the history of ever has anyone been stupid enough to try this. The idea of a game company asking you to BYOC from their last generation of consoles to keep costs down is hilarious. This is a console designed to create enmity between you and your loved ones, as one of you lords over the living room with their power tablet, while the rest waggle white plastic dildos at the screen. Even at E3, the struggle between the anointed tablet user and the Wii-mote plebeians created unease. How is it fun for only one person to have all the cool stuff?

The worst part is when Nintendo pretends that they’re doing you a solid by not requiring you to drop a ton of coin on expensive controllers. Yes, Nintendo, thank you for gallantly saving me from a financial cuckolding at the hands of…you. Good thing I have Nintendo to save me from getting ripped off by…Nintendo. You realize, of course, that you’re arguing with yourself here. Is this a “United States of Tara” episode or something?

We didn't get the invitation

4. It Has Super Smash Bros No Wait It Doesn’t. This may be my favorite one. They announce a new SSB at E3 2011, everyone cheers and is happy, and then it turns out they have “no plans whatsoever” (that is a direct quote from Masahiro Sakurai) for a new SSB title. I didn’t even know you could do that. Get ready for E3 2012, where Microsoft will announce “Halo 5,” “Halo 6,” and “Halo Vs. Gears of War Vs. Alan Wake,” all exclusive releases for their new portable gaming system/3-D camera/sports car. I mean, damn, this gaming industry thing is easy as long as you can announce and promote things that don’t actually exist.

5. Wii U Online. Shigeru Miyamoto, a man who at least once in his life has formed a cogent thought, recently said in an interview that although he wants to win the hardcore gamers back with the Wii U, offering the best online gaming experience is “not our goal.” Later on, he announced his plans to also win over James Bond fans with a new film where 007 converts to pacifism and abstinence. That makes absolutely as much sense.

He does want us to know that some games on the Wii U may employ “an internet connection.” And in case that doesn’t blow your skirt up, it will also have a web browser. Thank God, too, because after ten minutes of trying to play “Battlefield 3″ without voice chat, party support or a persistent friend’s list, I will need to Google the fastest ways to commit Hara-kiri right away.


it’s girls like you that make me think I’m better off home on a saturday night

  • Don Jaime

    I put way too much faith in Nintendo. I expected a lot more, and this really does appear to be another round of gimmicky bullshit so far. On the bright side though, that Zelda screenshot sure does look spiffy if it’s real in-game footage, and having an always-ready inventory screen on the giant pad controller is pretty cool. $400-$600 cool? Yeah, I’m not sure about that.

    I don’t really care about DVD support as I have a 360 (still working…for now) and I don’t own any Blu Ray discs, so whatever. If I want a high quality Blu Ray player, I’ll just hook my PC up to the TV and install a new optical drive. But, if it plays DVD or Blu Ray games and doesn’t offer support for the entire format that doesn’t have the Nintendo logo, then yeah, it’s still a big WTF and definitely is not a selling point. I can totally see other people scratching their heads when/if the other two big console companies have new platforms that offer that capability….sorta like they do already.

    The one pad controller thing is kinda dumb too, I’ll definitely agree there. I can totally imagine whenever that episode of Southpark airs and Cartman is hogging his Wii-U pad. I find their “customer reacharound” quite amusing as well, although that really would require upgraded system resources… maybe they’ll have an add-on planned. Just look at their past consoles… they always have a damn add-on or two planned. It’s still a smart move I think from a business standpoint for a base model though, but spare me the theatrics.

    I’m likely to be crucified for mentioning this, but I never liked Smash Brothers to begin with. It’s the Mario Kart of fighting games. Regardless, that’s a dick move on Nintendo’s part. Are they going to say there’s no Zelda game anymore as well?

    Nintendo is late to the ballgame with online capability. Can’t say I expected much in that dept. As for “recapturing the hardcore market” goes, just offering improved online capability isn’t gonna cut it.

    The SNES had the hardcore market. This was almost 20 years ago. LOTS of good 1st and 3rd party titles. I don’t think Nintendo is gonna be able to recapture that if that’s what they’re aiming for. Based on personal preference, the N64, the Gamecube and the Wii only had a handful of “hardcore” games, most 1st party titles, I felt compelled to play in contrast to the myriad of varied 1st AND 3rd party titles for the competing consoles of the time. Their huge pandering to the casual and kiddie markets since the SNES had led to me not buying an N64, but instead a Playstation, and I didn’t buy a Gamecube, but a PS2. The only reason I have a Wii is because my wife wanted one. Good thing too, as I got to enjoy the Metroid Prime series and play the perfectly awesome Resident Evil 4 for the Wii. That experience was almost worth it alone I think (despite my now fubared GPU), but I don’t plan on a repeat experience for the Wii-U at this point.

    But… I wouldn’t throw them under the bus JUST yet. Give it some time. Maybe they’ll get their heads on straight. There’s still plenty of time to adjust accordingly.

    In the meantime, I’ve got plenty of PC games to buy to justify my purchase of such. Good luck competing for that marketshare Nintendo.

    • Andrew Allen

      You didn’t like Super Smash Bros? Do you also hate puppies, love and sunshine?

      I hope you’re right about Nintendo rallying, but I just can’t figure out how they would win my vote without a comprehensive online service. It’s become so integral to hardcore gaming to have that. I mean, yeah it’s cool if they have BF3 or Darskiders 2, but if there’s better versions of those games elsewhere, why am I dropping 600 large for this thing?

  • Barb Steele

    The Zelda screen shot in the article is from an E3 tech demo that showed off the HD capabilities of the Wii-U. It’s not an actual Zelda game, unfortunately.

    • Don Jaime

      If it was, it would almost* be enough reason for me to buy one of these damn things. Damnable false advertising. Pretty sure someone mentioned that it wasn’t the actual game in the podcast but I couldn’t remember. Still sucks.

      *in addition to being less than $400, decent online capability, limitation on stupid 3rd party bs, ability to upscale Wii games, etc.

  • Don Jaime

    Well, to be fair I only played the original and Brawl for a few hours apiece. The shiny thingy that drops down and lets whoever catches it do their character’s stupid attack pretty much ruined Brawl for me. It reminded me of the silly mechanics in Mario Kart Wii that punishes those who actually know how to drive. Maybe I never played enough of the original (which in its defense seemed way more balanced), or maybe I never played against a bigger variety of people, but whether or not there’s gonna be one for the Wii-U isn’t going to make or break the system for me.

    Can’t blame you for not wanting to buy it if the online sucks. Damn thing better have the best games ever AND great online if Nintendo wants it to take off.

    • Andrew Allen

      Unless they just want the hardcore Nintendo people back, and it’s seriously worth it to them to develop this thing just to sell it to the guys who spent every weekend playing Metroid and Zelda.

      But I don’t get why Nintendo doesn’t want to be the big dog in the house, period. If they really wanted to, they could smite Microsoft and Sony and run this whole town. Why DON’T they try?

  • Dusk

    It’s official: you are an idiot

  • Anonymous

    Sweet, I’d been waiting for the results to come in.