A Harsh Invective Against Battlefield 3

Dear DICE,

I’ve been hearing rumors. Troubling rumors. They say you’ve changed, baby. They say you’re considering releasing digitally through Gamestop’s clunky, over-stuffed, ridiculous website at the expense of Steam. Say this is not so. Tell me I’m hearing fictitious lies (as opposed to the truthful ones, I guess). I mean, release on Gamestop if you must, but exclusively? You’re gonna deny Steam “Battlefield 3″? You can’t do this!

The irony of that motto is unbearable

You know Gamestop is coming to ruin the world, right? You know they sell us your product at reduced price and give you absolutely nothing from the sale, right? People who want “Call of Duty” can and should buy it from Gamestop. Gamestop and MW3 have much in common, and their audience consists of rubes who don’t know better. They belong together. But “Battlefield 3″ is designed with the real gamer in mind. And real gamers are on Steam, damn it! Steam is like a litmus test for whether you’re a gamer or not! You’re denying your core audience their favorite way to get ahold of your product.

Look, what we have with Steam is something precious, beautiful even. For once in this dark, twisted world, the dominant marketplace is a consumer positive environment. Valve owns digital distribution on the PC, I won’t deny that, but look at what they do with their power: incredible deals, ironclad reliability, constant striving for better UI and download times. Steam is that rare moment in history when consumer and provider meld into one being, seamlessly living in perfect harmony.

And now here comes Gamestop, like a Shakespearian villain, the obese landed gentry that it is, to try and ruin everything. They’ve been watching the perfect marriage of Steam and gamer for years now, gnawing angrily on their fingers while they wait in the bushes outside, thinking, “I must get in there and pee all over that.” They’ve been making feeble attempts at this for some time: buy from us, and you can download a unique costume! Or an exclusive level that the designers were going to throw out!

But now, they’re coming for Steam, like Bane came for Batman in “Knightfall.” I don’t know what’s going to happen. I assume, since there is a Devil, that they will have some measure of success. And if you help them to this end, DICE, I will never forget that. 

–AA

this is turning into one very sexy struggle for the future of humanity

  • http://padinga.com/members/don-jaime-2/ Don Jaime

    DICE?
    DARPA Initiative in Concurrent Engineering?
    DARPA Chief Donald Anderson from Metal Gear Solid?
    Decoy Octopus?
    FOXHOUND?
    Solid Snake?

    Ha ha, broke the code! So this is the plot of MGS5, where Solid Snake takes down Gamestop and EA who’s now run by freakin Revolver Ocelot/Liquid Snake so Battlefield 3 will be released on Steam after all once they’re thwarted? Awesome!

  • http://padinga.com/members/laughingfish/ Andrew Allen

    Jaime, I’ve read this comment like ten times and I still can’t decipher what it means. I think you might be possessed or something.

  • http://padinga.com/members/don-jaime-2/ Don Jaime

    I was like “what the hell is DICE?” so I looked up possible acronyms. From there it was all association.

    Possessed? By boredom at work, perhaps….

  • http://padinga.com/members/don-jaime-2/ Don Jaime

    Not to say I only read Padinga (and your) articles out of boredom, but it can just make me eccentric at times.

  • http://padinga.com/members/laughingfish/ Andrew Allen

    Oooooh, I gotcha. DICE, you must now realize, is the development studio behind “Battlefield,” as well as “Mirror’s Edge” and some other titles. Very talented group.