Call of Duty Eyewear. Yes, Really.

Dear Reader,

Do you tire of the company of women? Has the female gender worn out its welcome in your life? Then GUNNAR Optiks (I assure you, none of that was a typo) has exciting news: they’ve just released a new product that is guaranteed to keep you absolutely lady-free for the foreseeable future. I’m speaking, of course, about their new “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3″ branded gaming eyewear.

The press release is overflowing with juicy details: it has an amber tint. It has adjustable nose pads. It has, wait for it, spring hinges (get the #$% out of here, no way). And apparently, its unique urine shade of yellow guards against “eye fatigue,” a known killer. But more importantly, give the opposite sex one glance of you with these things on, and your weekends and holidays will be open forever. While your competition is out having intercourse like chumps, you’ll be perfecting your headshot. It’s the winning edge.

And all of this at an absolute steal price of $100. Call now, and GUNNAR will mail you a personalized certificate to hang on your wall, which reads “I Have No Idea What a Clitoris Looks Like.”


you just kinda wasted my precious time

  • Ryan Burcham

    Will these match my official xbox chatpad, limited edition xbox, custom painted controller, and even more insanely priced headset that costs more than everything else combined?