Why Dr. Noh is Just Not That Interested…

…in Gears of War 3.

The series poster boy and main character Marcus is to me:

One part Fred Durst

One part 90s comic book Youngblood

One part M41-A pulse rifle from Aliens

One part chainsaw

When you combine them all, you get the most bad ass creation in existence. The problem for me is that I don’t care. Fred Durst never had any relevance to the world, much less music, and Youngblood is the worst comic book ever created. Admittedly, the pulse rifle from Aliens is awesome, but combining it with a chainsaw feels like a game I used to play with other boys on the playground in which we would 1up each other with our imaginations: “I have a machine gun!”, “Oh yeah? I have a machine gun with a chainsaw on it!” The key thing though is how bad ass these things are or have been at one point in time. Badassness or badassery is tied to machismo, of which I have none. I also have no muscles, and I’m not super competitive. As a manly man, I fail on all counts. I would be called a “pussy” or “faggit” if I were to play Gears of War 3 online.

Ultimately I think the biggest reason that this game doesn’t appeal to me is because I have a small penis.

image sources 1 2 3 4

  • Mark Ross

    Shame on you Joe! Shame on you for posting a Rob Liefeld cover on our beloved site! UGGHHH!

  • http://www.facebook.com/dustin.hall1 Dustin Hall

    Hilarious. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Allen/7605503 Andrew Allen

    HAHAHAHA. Who but Dr. Noh would write this?