How To Make A New Unreal Tournament

Dear Reader,

I want a new “Unreal Tournament” sequel. Are you there, Cliffy B? It’s me, Andrew. Take a break from doing keg-stands and fist-bumping your “bros” and give to daddy. “Gears of War” is done now, or at least you’re probably done with it. And you had your fling with “Bulletstorm,” which allowed you to get whatever latent psychopathic tendencies you had in you out of your system. There’s nothing left to do but another UT.

No. Don’t come up with a new IP. I don’t want to have to start liking some new franchise. I’ll make this easy for you. I’ll tell you exactly what a new “Unreal Tournament” would be like. Just let my hands guide yours over the mouse and keyboard, like that scene with the pottery from “Ghost,” only less sexually charged…unless you’re into that kind of thing. No? Fine. Strictly professional, then…for now.

Hit the jump, and I promise not to make any more romantic overtures at Dude Huge.

Okay, so here’s the things a new “Unreal Tournament” needs:

1. Leveling. Just ape the crap out of “Call of Duty.” There’s no shame in it. Everybody apes your Horde mode, you’re entitled to ape back. I want plus signs with numbers next to them when I take people out. I want weapons that get bigger and sexier the more I use them, along the lines of “Resistance 3.” And I want unlockable armor abilities.

There? See That? Steal It. They Owe You.

2. Revamp. I think we need to clear our throats and start over on this franchise, tonally and visually. The center of the idea—future gladiators—is as vibrant as ever, but it’s starting to creak and heave with all the art design and outlandish goofiness you’ve piled on it. And no, making the character models look like “Gears of War” does not fix it. What the franchise needs is a stripped down, more urgent approach, that keeps up with the times.

Take a cue from “Deus Ex: Human Revolution” and go for a prequel. Let’s really see the early days of the Tournament, when things were really grimy, sweaty and more brutal. You can still have fun with lasers and giant robots, just take a step towards “Terminator: Salvation” (in look only, please) and away from “Star Trek.” Machines stained with oil and mud are always cool.

3. Space Combat. Which you’ve flirted with before, Epic, but now it’s time to close the deal. Especially after Bungie teased us with those two missions in the “Reach” campaign and then failed to deliver in matchmaking. No one else is doing it in the world of competitive shooters, so strike while the iron’s hot.

Cock Tease!

And before you ask: yes, I recognize that potentially runs counter to Number 2. Make it work, that’s what they pay you for, Cliffy.

4. Horde Mode. Like I even need to tell you that.

5. Campaign. You guys need to figure out how to make UT work in the campaign. Perhaps taking a page from racing games instead of other first person shooters would be wise, thinking of it more as a “Career” than a “Story Mode.” But whatever you do, do it with purpose. I’d rather you leave campaign out altogether than put in the flimsy crap we’ve seen so far.


he’s about to hit a chestnut tree

  • Mark Ross

    As nice as it would be, Digital Extremes has always been involved in UT development (except for UT3, strangely), and they’re tied up making the new Star Trek game, ironically. So this may just be pie in the sky for now. :(

  • Eric Robbins

    How about they just yank a story all together?  The best UT games, UT and UT2K4, have hardly anything resembling a story.  It doesn’t need to be more than “you’re in this tournament, you win by killing”.

  • Andrew Allen

    Yeah, I tend to agree. Which is why I think a Career Mode, kind of like something you might find in Forza, could work well.