DC Universe Online Free To Play, And Being Kind of Slutty About It

Dear Reader,

SOE’s “DC Universe Online” is now free-to-play, so if you went out and actually purchased it…joke’s on you. I’m downloading it right now, for absolutely nothing. It’s just giving itself to me, and it’s actually being kind of slutty about it. I hope you used protection when you played this thing, Dear Reader. I’m almost embarrassed by how forward it’s being. I mean, sure, it’s playing a little hard to get, making me agree to some Terms and Conditions, but make no mistake, DCUO is absolutely DTG, if you get me/feel me/pick up what I’m puttin’ down. In a moment, this previously expensive title and I are going to retire to the boudoir, where I will callously manhandle the character creator you forked over your lunch money for.

Ah, so you're into rough stuff, eh?

Yup, I’m gonna play her brains out, just have to…get past this here loading screen. Doop dee doo doo, any second now. I guess this is DCUO’s version of “let me slip into something more comfortable.” Dum dee dum dum. Everything okay in there, sugar?

…Hot crackers, isn’t the “estimated load time” supposed to go down as the loading continues? You said this was gonna be ten minutes half an hour ago, now you’re saying it’s gonna be half an hour! Let me play, damn you! Hit the jump while I get serious for a second about this development.

There’s a really big difference between “World of Warcraft” going (sort of) F2p, and DCUO going F2p. Getting WoW on the house is kind of like WoW is in a frisky mood tonight, and what the hell, she’s feeling generous. DCUO is F2p because she’s lonely, depressed, and in need of closure from her last relationship. And let’s not kid ourselves, “Star Wars: The Old Republic” is coming out soon, and seeing as over half of DCUO’s player base is on the PC, that is cause for real alarm. DC is at a distinct disadvantage in that contest for a very simple reason: playing as a Jedi/Sith/Bounty Hunter of your own invention is totally awesome. Playing as your own superhero kind of blows, cause your’s are never as cool as the real ones.

I’m being kind of hard on DCUO, I actually think F2p is a smart and correct move for them. For one thing, it’s the wave of the future. On top of that, MMOs remain a crowded and competitive market, you gotta stand out however you can. When you come out of the gate as F2p, people dig it, but when you originally cost money and don’t anymore, that has a special luster. For an explanation of exactly what that luster is, please see the extended sexual leitmotif that began this article.


totes magotes


  • Mark Ross

    As someone who actually purchased DCUO when it was not F2P, I have to say it’s extremely fun… while it holds the attention. It’s new, it’s fresh, and it just doesn’t have the magic that WoW has to hold you in. I’m sure I’ll go back and finish leveling my character up to the 30 level cap, then play that new Green Lantern content… some day.

  • Anonymous

    What is sex like?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Allen/7605503 Andrew Allen

      It’s like playing a F2P MMO. 

      • Anonymous

        FUCK THAT.