Screw You Skyward Sword!

Dear Reader,

Did you know that in “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword,” Link performs an abortion on a teenager with his slingshot? It’s absolutely true. Okay, no it’s not, but I’m taking a page from politics and throwing random accusations at SS until something sticks and ruins its reputation. I’m out to get this game, Dear Reader. “Skyward Sword” must die.

You know why? Because I’m sick and tired of hearing how it’s better than “Ocarina of Time.” No it’s not. Nothing is better than “Ocarina of Time.” Mahatma Gandhi wasn’t better than “Ocarina of Time,” and he was pretty damned good. It’s like “The Godfather,” the best you can hope for is to equal it, and even that is unacceptable.

“Ocarina of Time” has been the ”Zelda” game for over a decade, and I refuse to allow some new punk to take the throne! Hit the jump for more baseless accusations.

Seriously guys, come on. It’s “Ocarina of Time.” I love that damned game so hard, I’ve hated all the other “Zelda” releases since just to protect it. “Majora’s Mask” and “Wind Waker” were easy to dismiss, but I had to work to despise “Twilight Princess” and “Phantom Hourglass.” It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

But now things are changing. A new masterpiece has arrived. I no longer get to tell kids they don’t know what a real game is. I mean hell, they’ve already got the “Super Mario Galaxy” series, and even I won’t deny that those games obliterate poor old “Mario 64.” One by one, my sacred cows are being made into Happy Meals. And now they want to replace “Ocarina” too? Now I can’t end any gaming argument with “Ocarina’s the best game ever”? No! It can’t be!

So you heard it here first, folks: “Skyward Sword” features Link shooting up an airport with an Uzi. And every time someone almost gets away, Navi chases after them and shouts “Hey! Over here! Listen!” until he puts them down. Oh, and Zelda has a lesbian sex scene. Several, in fact.

Someone call Fox News.


i can’t even feel the pain no more





  • Anonymous

    I stopped reading after “wind waker was easy to dismiss.” Article invalid. Move along.

    • Mark Ross

      Yeah I actually agree. Wind Waker > Twilight Princess on so many levels. But Skyward Sword, from what I’ve played so far… hell yes.

  • Eric Robbins

    Wind Waker > Twilight Princess

    Friggin’ Twilight Princess was so boring and bland.

  • Dustin Hall

    Link to the Past is the best Zelda. Style preference. 

    Wind Waker was also epic. Only complaint: not enough to of those masterfully designed dungeons. 

  • Dustin Hall

    Andrew, you should write headlines for the Enquirer. 

    • Andrew Allen

      Right? I have a gift.